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November 16th, 2009

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No carbs, day 14. Still fat.

I'm lonely.

October 5th, 2009

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God, I'm so fucking stagnant.

May 11th, 2009

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Just don't forget, for the most part, quiet times on LJ=good things.

Right now, trying to figure out how to get work for the summer.

Panicking HARDCORE.

Money, money, money, where will it come from?

Sick to my stomach with worry, even though that won't do me any good. Grades. What the hell are my grades?

PLEASE, Jesus, don't let me have failed Biology. Don't let my GPA slip below a 3.0. God, help me find the money for school. I'm trying my best.

More vegetables, less ice cream. Got it.

Cryptic much? That's 'cause I've been processing it all an my head so much I can't bear to write it all too.

I have no money for next semester. I've applied for several scholarships that haven't panned out. Shit, shit, SHIT. There's still a balance of about $1000 on my account, and I can't see my final grades until it's gone. Turns out, the Elk's club never paid the school the scholarship I was due first semester, and I never found this out until the other day. If it's too late to get it sorted out, I'm screwed. I have NO MONEY to give them right now. NONE. Might have to ask my dad for a loan, and you KNOW how loathe I am to do that. And as I said, no grades until I get that paid off.

I MIGHT be working as a nanny for part of the summer. I MIGHT be working part-time at a used bookstore. MIGHT, MIGHT, MIGHT. Ideally, I would work both jobs at once. But we'll see. Logistics, logistics.

I need to get my license as soon as possible, because that is a HUGE roadblock.

Too many maybe's. Too much worry. Too much time, and not enough time, and never ever ever ever enough money. It's not like I need it to buy a sport's car--I want it to fund my education so I can support myself and my family!!! Is that so much to ask from you, Ether, really?

April 14th, 2009

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I had every intention of posting an entry about how I had a really good day and had fun with Willow and Brenda...and then I found this. This song has always made me think of my dad, but I'd only ever seen the Reba/Kelly Clarkson duet version. I just found the video for the Kelly Clarkson solo version, and....I'm really shaken. It's a combination of my childhood and what I'm most afraid of in my future. Jesus.

Jesus, please don't ever let me be in an abusive relationship again. Please.




April 5th, 2009

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I really need to see Avenue Q in full. I love the songs, and I think I'd really really love Kate Monster, based on her lines in the first song:

"I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart, I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart, so WHY don't I have a BOYFRIEND, shit it sucks to be me!"


Someone's probably going to get mad at me for posting this. Oh well. (no, I don't mean anyone in particular...just that there's bound to be SOMEONE who does....) Someone mentioned the other day that this part of the play reminded them of me and I thought "Damn, you're right!"

I played a couple cribbage games with Matt tonight. It was fun, I finally managed to beat him. I really shouldn't hang out with him, it's easier to forget how sweet and funny he is. Considering he rarely can spare me a glance around the rest of campus. Oh well.

Everyone who was gone for the weekend got back at three today. It was a little anticlimactic. I'm trying to be less excited to see people like my mom says I should. She says I should back off and let people come to me more.

I ate a lot today. Way more than I should have. Bad Olivia.

I'm really not as depressed today as this entry sounds. Kinda disjointed. Miss my Caitlin.

Need to do stats and don't wanna/don't know how. At least I can get part of it done. I really wish he'd return one graded assignment before assigning the next.

I need some cuddles.

More music in my life, please.

Mike is "Vaguely irritated o.O". Wonder what that's about. Hope he's ok. I'd comment "You okay honeeeeeeey?" but I don't think he'd get the reference, and then I'd feel silly.

I want to find my poetry again. I miss that power. I think I might have exhausted my supply of things to write about, 'cause when I do write something it's usually the same shit. Bad men, woe is me. When I try to write about beauty or happiness or good people I can only get a few lines into it before I get stuck. Maybe I'm trapped in Slam poetry now? It's still what I love, but I can't seem to do it anymore. Only a couple lines here and there.

WHY IS MY ROOM ALWAYS SO DAMN COLD?!?? grrrrrr.....

Should start my stats and then go to sleep. Blegh.

April 1st, 2009

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Well, considering how angry I made people last year, I don't suppose I'll put any april fool's jokes in my LJ this time around.
What's the best April Fool's joke you've seen today?
Two giant inflatable christmas penguins--Giant as in, 7 feet tall--placed in offices where I work.

My friend and I are also planning to fill someone's room with baloons full of stuff like confetti, glitter, and condoms.

March 24th, 2009

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Baby, I wish I could fix you. If I could make it all go away I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm sure I've done things that upset you in the past, and apparently in the recent past, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know I would never do anything to try to hurt you. This may all sound empty and trite now but it's true, whether you believe me or not. I've tried my best to help you, and if it's seemed like I'm ignoring you sometimes it's just because I'm trying to honor your wishes and give you space. You need to tell us what we are doing, specifically, that bothers you. Is it flaming faerie jokes? Would you have rather we not watched a movie in your room last night? You need to tell us things too! You want to make everyone else talk about everything, so talk to us too! We love you, and you know this, because you're always trying to convince me of the same things: WE LOVE YOU, WE NEED YOU, AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH WE VALUE YOU. I just don't know what to do for you. It seems like everything I do pisses SOMEONE off, and I'm at a loss. When I vent into my LoveJournal, it's not a request for action on ANYONE's part, and I'm so sorry if I ever made it seem that way. That was never my intent. Most of the people who see it are far far away and have known me for a very, very long time. It's mostly directed at them if at anyone, on the rare occasion there's intent behind it at all. This is what I meant when I said the people I needed were far away: Not that I don't want to talk to you or don't need you to help me, but that YOU don't need to be dealing with MY shit. If I tell you things, it's for the sake of your understanding, not me dumping on you. I dump to my LJ.

And I don't really know what else I could say at this point, because I feel like no matter what I'm going to make you angry and I'd sooner cut off my arms. We all have our shit to deal with, and no one's lessens anyone else's. I offer you whatever you need to take from me. If you want constructive criticism and a different viewpoint on anything, I'll give it to you as a sister. If you want me to walk out of your life, I will, because I care about you enough to give you that if it's really what you need to be better. If you need a kidney or a lung or a blood transfusion, cut me open. If you want me to never talk to you about any of my problems no matter what, I will do that. Just tell me what you need.

And you don't have to respond to this; I just wanted to say it to you in a form where you can see it and come back to it and absorb it when you're ready.

I will always be here for you, until the day you send me away, because I love you.

March 13th, 2009

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I don't know who I am.

March 12th, 2009

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I think I'm going to drop into another phase where I don't use my LJ much.


So, as I understand things from observation and conversation.....

The people I love won't love me the way I want them to until I can love myself.
Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to do that.
I have nothing in my past, no achievement, I feel I can be legitemately proud of.
No accomplishments I feel really stand out and set me apart.
All of myself that I like is based off the people around me.
I want them to love me as much as I love them.
Is that even possible, under any circumstances?
He took an extra shower, and said he wanted to think. What about?
I'm trying so hard. It's all for them, just to make them happy.
I only want to make them happy.
I don't deserve them.
I don't.
I hope I get the job this summer. I want to try to lose weight and work hard, and see if I can earn my own Goddamn respect. Maybe if I can learn how to be happy without them, I will deserve to be with them.
That's my constant struggle--so unhappy when I'm not around them, knowing that when I am around them all they can see is my negative energy. No matter how happy they make me. I wonder if they understand that all my negative energy is focused solely on myself, and that they are the best part of my existance. I try my best to make them feel loved and appreciated and I feel like all they see is me smothering.

Mike says I should stop trying to guess what everyone is thinking. I really adore him. I can't quite explain it, and that bothers me too. It's not romantic, though I wouldn't object if he were ever to decide it should be. It's....he's a lot like Dana in his overarching personality traits, and somewhat like Larry in some of his smaller mannerisms. God, I need to stop equating people to my brothers. They never understand.

I still think about Justin Creager, all the time. I want him to get the FUCK out of my HEAD, so I can move on and be happy again. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN! I want to slap that motherfucker across the face. I want to be strong enough to hear his voice again so I can tell him what a prick he was. I want him back. I want someone else to love me like he said he did so I can feel worthwhile again.

I want....Mike to love me as much as he loves Katie. I want HIM to hug ME sometimes, instead of just passively allowing me to hug him. I want Klabe to get over Jaime and cheer up, and maybe realize that if he could spare two seconds of attention for me, I could love him more than he'd imagine. I want Talmie to pull his head out of his ass and stop hurting Danielle, 'cause this is getting rediculous. I want to stop being attracted to Talmie, too. I want him to count me as a close friend and never be awkward with me again.

I WANT CAITLIN TO GET HERE RIGHT NOW DAMMIT. Everyone is going to love her as much as I do. Willow will. Mike should if he pays attention.

I should stop wanting.
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